"I couldn't"

"What foolishness Aristophiles? Why? You just had to obey the orders."

"I couldn't Mastus. I couldn't."

For Mastus the dinginess in the cold dungeon was already killing him. He was wondering how Aristophiles could survive in this crampiness. That too in chains. He is unable to even walk about. He remembered how his brother was the one who could not sit idly. Wanted to do something or the other at home. Always moving about. What changed him?

The water droplets dripping down the damp walls are already taking him on his nerves. The clothes are all wet. The atmosphere is unrest because of humidity. Though it is ice cold, he is sweating. How could his younger brother tolerate this voice (which has become a noise) day in and day out. It has been a dragging twenty eight days.

Rats and mouses (and what not) running around. Stale breads nibbled by creatures unknown. The squalor all around makes him want to sneeze. How could Aristophiles still be smiling?

Why is he not deterred by any of these? They had the best of education. Twins as they were, there parents were rich enough to send them to the best teachers. And they were racing against themselves to be the best. Their competition was to each other. Physical fitness, academic excellence and worldly wisdom -others would come only third in the list.

There race finally ended up in the Royal army. Roman warfare had always been their passion. Ruthless power and authority. Centurions they have become in no time. To the envy of others their growth was expeditious.

Curse be to that ill fated day, Mastus thought, when he decided to take leave for some unimportant reasons. Otherwise he would have been with his brother as Pilate the governor was giving charge to crucify this rebel called Jesus. 

"Aristophiles. You just had to obey the orders and crucify him. It was an order. Nobody in the whole world will question. You were just obeying an order. How and why did you say, you couldn't?"

"Mastus, you have to listen to me very intently now. Though we were twins, you were only seconds older to me. You were given the privilege of the elder son in every circumstances. I never had a grudge upon that. I totally respect you. I look upto you. You have been my motivation. My challenge. My ambition. Yes. True. But I have been listening to this man Jesus. He has been running around the streets of Israel and telling all new things about a kingdom to come. About forgiveness. About love. About sinfulness. About repentance. About standards of a God above. I was challenged and I found myself listening to him more and more. As I was listening to him more and more I understood the high priests and the teachers of the Law in Jerusalem were envious of His growth and they were plotting against Him. That is when I went to talk to him personally. I wanted to warn him that people are trying to kill Him. I wanted to tell Him all their names who are plotting against Him. Infact there was one informer in His group who would betray Him. I wanted to tell Him all I knew. So I went to meet him one day on a mountainside to talk to Him privately. And as I looked at Him there was passion,there was love, there was compassion. The eyes were overflowing with love towards me and then all the secret and public sins that I have done came to my vision like a scroll. The beatings that I have done. The tortures I have done. The impalings that I have done. The treachery. The lust. The greediness. And as I was weeping in front of Him. He stroke my head and said, "the Son of man has come to suffer and to die for your sins. You will suffer too for the Son of man." And then He walked away into that garden called Gethsamene. There was so much of peace in me after that for I knew that He was God Himself who came to save a wretch like me. 

As I was walking back to join duty I heard of His arrest. And the judgement that the high priests were doing to Him. A little later He was brought before Pilate. I could barely recognise Him now. Pilate discusses with many people. An open discussion with others. He had a word with his wife too. I was hoping and praying that he would set Him free. Because there was nothing wrong in Him. But finally Pilate asks for a bowl and washes his hands off, literally. And calls me by his side and asks me to be in charge of the crucifixion process. I was shattered. How can I do this? I am just now convinced this man is God Himself. How can I? Mastus you tell me. The moment I looked at His eyes all the cruelties that I have committed was made plain to me. Now I'm asked to do the same to Him now. Whiplashes, spitting, torturing. And finally making sure that He is dead on the cross. I had to certify that He is no more. 

For the first time in my life, I mustered up my courage and told Pilate. That I could not do it."

"That's what I am telling Aristophiles, it was an order from the governor. You should obey."

"Yes Mastus. But I couldn't. So I said, I couldn't. And Pilate was furious. He shouted and said all sorts of ill words. And asked the guards to strip me of all my awards and honours. And put me in the dungeons. "How could a soldier of his rank dare to speak against me? You think you can save Him? He Himself is not opening up to me. That man Himself forgot that I have the power and authority to save or kill Him. Now this, soldier too. I will not tolerate any such rebellion." Shouting at the guards nearby, was he. My own subordinates came with a heavy heart and stripped me off my medals. I could see tears in their eyes. I was asked to apologise and just obey. But i couldn't Mastus. I couldn't."

"Oh! Why did I live upto to see this day. Three days later you are bound to be crucified Aristophiles. Pilate has made sure that you would suffer the same way that man was led to the place of skulls. And he doesn't want any loop holes now. Did u hear there is rumour that this man Jesus rose up from the dead?"

"Mastus, He is God. Do you think it is a surprise. I am willing to suffer for Him. Because He has suffered for redeeming me. I will see Him face to face."

"Do you know who is kept in charge of crucifying you, my dear Aristophiles?"

"Who is it? I hope it would be the cruelest of the officers. I want to suffer most for Him."

"It is me, your wretched helpless elder brother."

There was a tear drop falling from Aristophiles' eye but his lips were still smiling looking above.

Two days down the line, Mastus had totally sleepless night. All sorts of questions were running around his head. Why is Aristophiles so adamant. Yet he is not arrogant. There is lot of peace. He is smiling and crying. I cant see my younger brother. My soul mate to suffer. Why did I have to be in charge. If I don't do it will Pilate not put me in dungeons too? What will happen to our aged parents then? Who will take care of them. What about my future? All the things that I have dreamt off. Well Aristophiles too had his passions. Then how could he?

Suddenly there is an intense light filling his room. There in the midst of the light he sees a figure. There were wounds all over his brow. His dress was as white as snow. There were fresh bleeding deep wounds on his wrists. His orbits were both black with hematoma. But there was glory. There was peace in the air. And as this figure started to speak calling Mastus by name, he was filled with tears overflowing. Bowing down in worship. Seeking forgiveness and repentance and reinstation. There was crying but with joy..... The night passed off uneventfully for others. But both the brothers were on their knees - one awaiting the glorious presence of his God, continuously interceding for his brother, the other committing his life to the suffering he is about to endure.

Next day morning, the whole palace was once again shocked, because a soldier for the second time dared to say those dreaded words to the governor. "I couldn't"